someone threw a dead crab at me
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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