i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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