Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
