Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
