everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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