Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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