just tell him i said nine months
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
