can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
