WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Randomize
