I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
