I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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