theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
