Sorry, I don't speak sober.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
