he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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