Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
