my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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