the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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