can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
