Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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