there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
