my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
