I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
