I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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