i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
