I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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