A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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