Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
