that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
