Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
