you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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