The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
