i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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