are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
