ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
