y did u give ur computer a hand job?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
