I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
