About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
