He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
