The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
