I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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