Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
