So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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