My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize