Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
