He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Randomize
