dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
