I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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