I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
