i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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