Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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