So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
