I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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