I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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