My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
