I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
