____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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