my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.