Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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