If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
