I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Welp...herpes.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Two words: blizzard sex
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
