When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
