dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
