Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
