Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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